I'm a million contradictions. Sometimes I make no sense. Sometimes I'm perfect.

smile_love24 @ 2009-12-22T21:43:00

2009-12-23T03:43:55Z

My grandad lost his battle to cancer this morning and went to be with God. I can't explain how I feel right now. I just hate that we won't be able to celebrate christmas together or his 64th birthday next wed :'(

smile_love24 @ 2009-12-03T20:58:00

2009-12-04T02:58:43Z

i hate my dad. my douchebag brother was using my brand new laptop and was screaming about he was going to break it and my dad was taking up for him. wtf? I told my dad that I didn't have to be nice and let him use it. then my dad grabs my new laptop and throws it on the ground. I fucking hate my brother and my dad. i hate living here with them because it's so miserable. my dad then goes on to tell me how i will never be able to get it in to law school and that just hurts to hear my own dad say that. he never takes up for me and is always taking up for my brother. i just want to move out of this hell hole and move as far away from here and never talk to either of them again. i could seriously go the rest of my life without talking to them and feel fine bc i know it's bc of what they did. ughhhhhh. and i can't stop crying and it just sucks.

i've been having dreams about matt too so that's got me all bummed out. i just feel so miserable and alone.

smile_love24 @ 2009-11-26T10:36:00

2009-11-26T16:36:19Z

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!! I hope everyone has a blessed and safe holiday! I have so much to be thankful for and couldn't ask for a better way to celebrate it but with the ones that love me :) I love y'all and I hope y'all find something to be thankful for!

It's blowing my mind though right now watching the Macy*s Parade that I marched in the parade 6 years ago!! Then it's been 4 years since I have been to Manhattan :( I wanna go back sooooo bad.

smile_love24 @ 2009-11-19T17:21:00

2009-11-19T23:21:11Z

New Moon tomorrow. That's all I've got to say XD

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-28T19:36:00

2009-10-29T00:46:04Z

so i'm sickkkkk. which is so lame. i got a flu swab from the nurse and i was like damn lady tryin to get a brain sample too? she seriously stuck that thing way to far up my nose. well the test came up neg which i heard there only 50% correct which is just lovely. i think i have the flu bc i feel like shiiiiiit. my body aches mostly and i'm exhasuted. it just happened randomly over night.

anyways things are going good with chad. i'm still not sure how i feel about everything. my girlfriends are convinced it's bc of what matt did to me but i feel ok most of the time but i'm not gonna lie. IT HURTS. like a motha fucka. but i just know that God has a reason this happened and it's just another lesson learned. i'm just gonna keep my options opened bc there is certainly no rush at all.

i really wanna go see paranormal activity. have any of y'all seen it? i've heard good and bad but hopefully i'll be feelin better by fri so i can go see it XD

but grandad is doing better. poor thing i talked to him last night and he sounded exhausted. they said that the smaller tumors had been shrunken by the radiation and the largest tumor had stopped growing so thank you Jesus! They said they won't know till 6-8 months if any of the radiation treatments will really help. I'm just so happy he's still here. The docs were convinced he wouldn't live till August but thankfully he's still kickin' around town :) though they said that he has to STOP smoking all together which he's trying. It just sucks that it's stage 4 lung cancer and that it is terminal. i know this is so selfish, but i really hope he'll live to see me get married bc it's not fair that my nanny is already gone.

life has seriously been hard these past couple years that's for sure. I just hope God has a plan for all this and reasons otherwise I'll be pissed.

anyways i'm gettin off to watch tv. hopefully i won't feel like crap in the morning and will be able to work at least half a day.

xoxo.

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-14T15:41:00

2009-10-14T20:44:18Z

He started contacting my friends and of course denying everything. Who the fuck does he think he is?? I'm filing a police report tonight with the cops on harassment charges. I'm also filing one with dara and brittany. I'm sick of all the drama. I wish he'd just learn that I don't want anything to do with him that he fucked up one too many times. ughhhhh. he texted my best friend and was like "you hate me too?" wtf?? of course they do dumbass! gahhh whatever. I'm at work right now, but once i get home i'm filing a police report once I get home. i'm just so over it.

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-06T10:05:00

2009-10-06T15:06:09Z

so i also just found out that matt was cheating on me for a while with this girl named lindsey on the 5th floor at his dorm. seriously, wtf? why do i always seem to attract men that cheat on me. ahhhhhh. i hate men. plus, i'm at work and i just want to crawl into a ball and scream.

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-05T19:46:00

2009-10-06T00:49:31Z

I know I've talked about brittany on here, I think....well, she's matt's ex. she cheated on him with 5 guys and broke his heart. he used to cry to me about her...well guess what?? he's been cheating on me with her. YA! I'm furious. I got all my stuff back and then I threw his clothes at him. hahaha especially the ones I bleached. he wasn't too happy about that. He yelled at me and cussed me out. oh well, i'm done. i'm hurt, betrayed, and furious all wrapped into one.

i'm moving on though. i'm going to go out and party. meet new people and forget all about those two faced people in huntsville. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i seriously hate men.

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-05T14:15:00

2009-10-05T19:30:20Z

DRAMAAAAAAAAA. omg i hate it and i'm sick of it. dara fucking tried to call me and bitch me out. WTF?? i bitched her out like i have never done before. like she tried to tell me how she's an adult and how i can't talk to her like that bc idk her. like helloooooo she doesn't know me!then matt takes up for her. whatever. i'm done. i'm done trying to be imss nice girl. i told her just bc you have an abortion doesn't make you grown up. i know i'm a bitch but like how fucked up is it that matt can't fight his own battles bc his bitch has to do it for him. ughhhhh. i' msick of this. i've been out of highschoool for 3 years now....but yet everyone acts like we're in middle school!!! hopefully i'll get my stuff back asap.

smile_love24 @ 2009-10-04T15:49:00

2009-10-04T20:55:42Z

matt just randomly told me he didn't want to be with me. just random. i don't know what i did wrong. i'm so sick of putting myself out there and getting hurt. I hate everything. I've cried all day. stupid jerk. and then he has the balls to ask me if we can be friends. i'm done. all together. but whatever i told him i want EVERTHING back. i'll let y'all know how that goes. i'm not so much hurt that i broke up with him but that i'm hurt and that i tried. i hate guys.

smile_love24 @ 2009-09-10T12:31:00

2009-09-10T17:35:35Z

So y'all know that matt got me to listen to that song and it talked about being happy that you found someone and how you love them. Well, I'm kinda confused lol. Matt every now and then will be like baby how much do you love me? and he'll be like will you rub my back or whatever and joke about it. He hasn't said he loves me like straight forward like "i love you" or anything, so I don't know what to think or if I should ask him. I'm really just curious. What do you girls think and what should I do?

smile_love24 @ 2009-09-05T00:21:00

2009-09-05T05:25:36Z

After everything me and matt have been through the past 6 months...I couldn't be happier. I never thought in a million years that I would be this happy with someone. He came to my house the other night and was like I heard this song and I want you to listen to it, because it maks me think of you. I didn't know what to expect and I listened to it and about cried :) here are the lyrics:

The song is 1,2,3,4 by the plain white t's:

1,2 - 1 2 3 4
give me more lovin then i've ever had.
make it all better when i'm feelin sad.
tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
barely gettin mad,
im so glad i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.
(i love you)
give me more lovin from the very start.
piece me back together when i fall apart.
tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
best that i've had.
im so glad that i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.i love you
(i love you)
you make it easy, its easy as 1234
theres only one thing two do three words four you i love you
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
thats what ill do i love you
(i love you)
i love you i love you.
one two three four i love you.
(iloveyou)
i love you
(i love you)

smile_love24 @ 2009-08-19T17:45:00

2009-08-19T22:52:37Z

So, me and matt are back together. He moved to bham sunday morning and he kissed me when I went to see him. Which was sooooooo unexpected with everything that has happened lately. Like for starters his best friend, or what we thought was his best friend, betrayed both of us by telling me how matt was using me and how i could do better. Well, I finally talked to matt about it during that time and we figured out that Bradley likes me and wanted to be with me and would screw matt over for me. Which is really shitty. So, matt and I decided we were just going to be friends and decide sunday on what to do when he moved. Well, I went downtown after getting off work and I helped him unpack and stuff and he grabbed my face while I was sitting on the bed and looked me in the eye and said "i've missed you" and kissed me. OUT OF THE BLUE! I was shocked, excited, nervous, everything above lol. So, this goes on for a couple days and last night I asked him what we were and he said "we're back together" and didn't say "in a relationship or dating" so now I'm confused and don't know how or when to bring it up to him.

Ah. Then curiousity kills the cat once again. I got onto matt's facebook and read an email that he had sent to this samantha chick that lives in tuscaloosa that he had dated a while back and it said "I was just looking at your pictures and I forgot how beautiful you are. You should update your pictures btw. I tried calling you last night but you decided to have your phone turned off. Call me sometime babe! Deuces" and that was sent July 27th. We were broken up and weren't on the best of terms but it BOTHERS me. I know I can't say anything, but the girl never responded and she deleted him. I don't know how I should feel about that, but I know I should just forget about it and know that it's in the past. haha i'm rambling as matt puts it.

But I'm about to pull my hair out with school. I have accounting and math right now. Which accounting isn't so bad, but math is ridiculously time consuming. haha. hope all is well though for everyone else.

smile_love24 @ 2009-07-22T15:19:00

2009-07-22T20:21:19Z

I broke up with Matt today because he told me he didn't love me anymore. I deserve so much better than that. Then he was like well, if you still wanna come up saturday you can it would be a big surprise to me. I was like well, idk...He wants to be friends and hang out with when he moves down here but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

smile_love24 @ 2009-07-20T23:30:00

2009-07-21T04:35:38Z

So, a lot has been going on lately. Matt and I had a talk about him moving down here. He kept saying he doesn't think it's fair me putting everything into our relationship and him not. So, we're going to see how everything goes when he moves down here. He says it should make everything easier bc he can actually see me when he wants and not have to wait a week to see me on the weekends. Hopefully everything will work out bc I really care about him and love him. He said that the way he looks at it is that either (a) moving to my city is going to bring us closer or (b) it's going to push us apart. I'm really hoping it's (a). I can't take getting hurt anymore and I don't know what I'd do if I were to get hurt by him after putting my all into this.

Then I'm trying to plan a surprise party for him on Saturday and he's getting suspicious. I asked him for his boss's number and he was like why do you need it. Then I told him about how his mom "mentioned" that we should get together saturday and have dinner since I haven't seen them in a while. He kept being like well, I'm probably working. I said then can't you get off a little early? He said I really need to work. I don't get it. Like he'll get off early and take the next day off to get shit faced and go to a bar with his friends, but as soon as I say hey I'm coming up and your family wants to get together he's like I need to work. But after talking he said ok sounds cool. He was like i'm just irritated bc I'm tired. I'm like well no shit sherlock. You work 7 days a week, have school, juggle me and your friends. I'd be exhausted too so take a night off!!!

Gah. I just don't know what to do about all this. I'm pretty confident that we're gonna stay together but I don't wanna get my hopes up. What do y'all think?

smile_love24 @ 2009-06-25T22:28:00

2009-06-26T03:42:14Z

So this month has been one big ball of stress. First I hit a deer with my barely a year old car...well I got it fixed but they didn't do a good job so I had to take it back . Then me and Matt go to his orientation at UAB get into a really stupid fight and then got over it. I feel like I've been on pins and needles lately. Then when I go to get a rental it was a huge hassle and I got this baby vomit color of a dodge caliber. I was like are you kidding me? But thankfully I get my car back tomorrow.

Then when I thought my life was going good and excited about Matt moving down to Bham in August, hell falls into my perfect happy world. Matt isn't getting this check from financial aid he was expecting because he dropped a class this summer and now won't be able to pay his car and won't be able to move down here. He's stressed and I'm stressed with so much I don't know what to do. I will be bald by the end of the summer because I will have pulled my hair out of my head because I'm so stressed.

Like I want to think that everything will be ok, but then Matt goes on his pissy mood swings and starts chewing me out about how nothing ever goes his way. Well, I told him not to drop that class and that now he just needs to wait it out and see if he even gets the check or not. It's his and the schools fault because they failed to contact him. So now I'm stressing about that.

The future really scares me now when it comes to us. What is going to happen? Where is this dark area of our life going to take us? I'm sick of people saying it's going to be ok because I can't help but ask myself is it? Life isn't about magic and happy endings. It hurts and it sucks. I just don't know. I want to be with him, but I just want him down here to make it easier on our relationship and him to be able to go to school and get his bachelor's. I said a prayer in my car and how I need a sign from God to tell me what to do and what to think and Matt's song for his mom came on. It's called believers and it's a country song that talks about how the believers of God have hope. I was like well, I guess that was my sign, but I'm still not exactly sure what it is supposed to mean.

smile_love24 @ 2009-05-04T19:03:00

2009-05-05T00:05:55Z

So ladies I need to get a second opinion. Matt has this really close girl friend that I can't stand and that I just have a bad feeling about. It's very obvious that she likes him and that she's jealous of me bc I'm with him. Well on his facebook they had a video up on there together goofing off and I left a comment saying wow. and she went behind me and left this comment saying this "Dara Reasor at 2:31pm May 4

wow. omg wow. wow. OMGZ like wtf are you doing? wow. wow. common lets stick a few more in there." So what does that say to y'all? Like doesn't that sound like she is being just a straight out bitch towards me? let me know what y'all think! Then I ask matt over facebook what that's supposed to mean and he was like idk baby I texted her but she hasn't texted back. ugh i can't stand that girl!

smile_love24 @ 2009-04-19T16:37:00

2009-04-19T21:43:39Z

I had such a good weekend. Matt came to town Friday night and we met up with Candice and Josh for dinner and after getting a couple of beers in him he loosened up. I was so happy he finally got to meet my friends! Then after dinner we went over to Sara's and he met Sara and Clint. We made a bonfire in her back yard and made smores. It was so fun bc not only did we get to drink I got to be with him :) that was overall the best part. It was so fun bc him and Clint got along and he thought Sara was cool. It's about time we go out with my friends haa. Well, Saturday we went to Tannehill for trade day and it rained while I was there :( I had to leave to go to work which sucked ass. But he had a lot of fun with my family and I am so happy he can hang out with them and not feel awkward or anything. That night all we did was chill out and watched movies. I got a few things off my chest about how I was feeling about some things and we're past them now. I'm so happy, plus my grandaddy go to go hang out with all of us. But today Matt had to leave and go back to Athens and I had to go to work. I won't see him for two weeks which is awful. I hate that it's going to be so long, but it's like he says all the time it just makes our relationship stronger. Plus, I'll get to work on his project since I'm making him a scrapbook of us. Overall, the weekend went by too fast! I swear it just flew by :( tonight we're going to go see Wicked and I'm soooooo excited!! I just can't believe it's almost May...it's just too weird.

smile_love24 @ 2009-04-13T21:03:00

2009-04-14T02:06:49Z

So things are so much better with me and matt :) he came to Bham and surprised me randomly saturday night! I came home and I had just got off the phone with him and he said he was about to take a shower and I said ok bye. Then I come home and he walks into the kitchen. I was like omg what are you doin' here? Him and my parents had talked about him coming here and then I went and stayed up there on Easter with him and his practically adopted family. I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time. The only sad thing is my grandaddy has cancer :( he's doin' a lil better but they don't think he has much time.

smile_love24 @ 2009-04-06T16:53:00

2009-04-06T22:11:01Z

So me and matt got into a fight friday night after his friend Bethany's wedding reception. We were late to the actual wedding and then he ditched me the entire time we were there. He would just leave me at the table and not bother introducing me to anyone. It really hurt my feelings so once we got into the car, I told him exactly how I felt. His response really pissed me off. He was like well I was just trying to have fun and blah blah blah. Then he has the nerve to tell me about how hot Bethany looked and his eye candy at school. He went on on and on about how he thought this chick at school was super hot and how he would so do her if he wasn't so shy and wasn't in a relationship. Then he was like, but I care about you and I know that girl isn't my type. I told him I didnt appreciate him telling me all that and he was like I am just trying to be honest in this relationship. Ughhhh idk what to think. Then he'll tell me he feels one way and ever since we got into a fight he's been acting weird and taking back what he said. Then he posted this note on facebook and was like please read it. so i read it and it just threw me off even more, but then i talked to him about it and he was like i just have a lot on my mind right now and I'll talk to you about it later. ah i just don't know what to think.

smile_love24 @ 2009-03-09T00:06:00

2009-03-09T05:09:32Z

All I can say is that good guys really do exist. Matt is like the perfect guy for me. I couldn't be happier right now and it's all because of him. I can't believe how different he is from every guy that I've ever dated. We're officially together and really happy. I can't wait for him to move to Tuscaloosa so he'll be closer! I hate he lives an hour and a half away. I spent the night with him last night and we just relaxed and cuddled it was perfect. awwwww I things finally feel like things are falling into place.

smile_love24 @ 2009-02-20T10:53:00

2009-02-20T17:05:22Z

So Marshall and I didn't work out. It seems that the army is more important which I totally understand. Then Zac, my ex keeps calling me and wanting to get back together. I finally told him to leave me alone for the last time and I haven't heard back from him since. I finished my classes for my first semester and I got a 82 in my Critical Thinking class and a 95 in my Effective Essay Writing class. I started my new set of classes for the second semester and I'm taking Research Writing and Foundations of Business.

Well, because me and Marshall didn't work out I took a week off from really talking to anyone and then I met Matt. So the only thing about Matt is he lives an hour and a half away. Well, we talk on the phone every night and he'll text me just to say he's thinking about me. After we've hung out a couple times I've come to realize he's not a player. He's a real respectful guy who's never been to the beach and has struggled to get his college education to better himself. I find his passion and positive attitude so attractive. We can have these deep conversations for hours and not get bored with each other. I really like him! He's going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras this weekend and wanted me to go but because of work I can't. :( He's probably coming down to Birmingham next weekend and stay with his cousin so he can spend time with me. I'm so excited to see him! We're just trying to take things really slow because we live about 90 miles away from each other. But it's like he said, it makes us both appreciate our conversations and the time we do spend together. I really don't remember the last time I liked someone like this ladies. It's scary because I have butterflies in my stomach and I can't stop smiling when I think about him. I'm going to a wedding with him April 3rd and it's his best friends wedding. I don't have a clue what to wear to it and he said it was a semi-informal wedding that's going to be outside next to the lake. What should I wear to that?

But anyways I hope y'alls week was fabulous :)

XOXO

smile_love24 @ 2009-02-03T16:42:00

2009-02-03T22:46:43Z

So I had surgery yesterday on my left ear to help with my hearing. They thought that it was bone damage that was causing my hearing loss, but nope with my luck I'm the 1 percent who has nerve damage! I was like after all this I have nerve damage and we can't do anything for me?! Sooo because I have nerve damage in my ear they can't fix it. They are going to take a MRI and CAT Scan in 3-5 weeks and see how severe it is. If it's not extremely severe they're going to put a cochlear implant in and give me a hearing aid. I just can't believe this.

Then after my surgery they gave me 3 doses of morphine and I felt fine. Then they left me alone for a hour and I started hurting really bad. My family finally got to come back there and my pain level had gotten to the point I was in tears. They gave me a percoset? or however you spell it and that did nothing. I cried and pressed my nurse button a thousand times till my nurse came and gave me a lowrtab. That finally helped and then I had to go pee. So I go to the bathroom and come back to my room and I got sick to my stomach. After all of that she gave me a shot of finagrin? or however you spell it through my IV and I was feeling good at that point.

Today I've just been laying around and talking to friends who have called and texted me. Even marshall has texted me a couple of times to check up on me :) I hope he asks me on another date that would make my week better haha. I just hope that there is something they can do soon. I'm sick of having this ringing in my ear. ahhhh.

smile_love24 @ 2009-01-22T17:15:00

2009-01-22T23:22:25Z

So I broke things off with Zac. I really thought about everything and I couldn't lead him on like that up until V day. So I told him exactly how I felt. I told him that I deserved something better than what he could give me and how he treated me back then that it was to the point where I couldn't ever forget it. I feel better that I let him go and I know I hurt him, but I figured it was better than leading him on for 3 weeks.

Anyways, so I met these two guys right? Total opposites of each other. Cody is about 6'5 he's ok kinda shy not really my type but he keeps wanting to hang out. I don't want to be mean and be like listen stop texting can you not take a hint? So how should I tell him that I'm just not interested? Then there's Jonathan. Total hottie, smart, good kisser, but he's a womanizer. Damn it I fell for the bull shit again. Go figure. I'm so sick of dating losers. I asked Jonathan what he was wanting like a hook up buddy or to date and he said he wasn't sure yet. I was like wtf. So I told him to never call me again.

I'm going on strike from dating. Oh well. If I'm 25 and still single I'm so going on eHarmony to find someone hahaha. But I have an interview over at Coach!! I'm so excited so wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that I get the job. I really want the job because I'm so sick and tired of New Balance. I'm really nervous about the interview but I know that I just need to stop worrying and hope for the best.

smile_love24 @ 2009-01-10T18:42:00

2009-01-11T00:55:27Z

Why is it that when you're searching for the perfrect person they're everything, but what perfect means? How is it that when you meet someone that is perfect in everyway that a girl would want, you don't want to have anything to do with him? I just don't get it. I went and visited Zac and I felt better seeing him and knowing he was doing ok, but it's like there is no chemistry what so ever. I don't understand how what any other girl would want in a guy, I see nothing.

He's so sweet, caring, respectful, loveable and everything that you would want in a guy to love and never leave you. Why is it that I cared so much about him at one time and loved him and now that he is back into my life, I don't have any kind of feelings for him? I am so beyond confused it's not even funny.

It's like Zac was always that guy that in the back of my mind if he were to ever want to get back together I would in a heart beat. We were literally perfect together at one point. I was so in love and happy and thought I had found everything I had been looking for. Until one day he told me he wasn't ready for a real serious relationship and wanted to start out the first year of college without a girlfriend. I was devestated. He hurt me probably more than any other guy...even Daniel didn't hurt me as bad as Zac. I know shocking. Anyways, Zac hurt me to the point I thought I was done dating because I couldn't be put through that again. After a few weeks, I started hearing rumors that he was talking about me behind my back and dating this chick. That really hurt me. He called me a crazy bitch and all these really mean names.

Over time, my wounds have healed since we broke up. Yet those wounds may be healed, but I still remember how it felt to be that heartbroken like it was yesterday. I talked to my mom about all this and why I don't have feelings for Zac anymore and she said it perfectly, "What if it's because he hurt you so bad it's the point of no return. That yet you can forgive him, but you'll never forget and that you just don't trust him. That you deserve better and you know deep down in your heart he's not the one." I just don't know.

As shallow as this sounds my friends and I have decided why not give him a piece of his own medicine...I don't want to end up on Valentines Day alone so why not have him take me out. Then after a week just say, I don't think it's going to work. I'm debating about it, because I believe in karma and I don't want it to bite me in the ass later ya know?

So ladies, I need some advice if you were in my position what would you do?